


What a Difference a Day Makes

by lily_superlock



Category: BBC Merlin, Merlin - Fandom
Genre: (might be smut later on), Don't say I didn't warn you, M/M, Prepare to be sad, so that would make anyone sad, there's sad merlin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-02 03:22:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5232032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_superlock/pseuds/lily_superlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's funny that it all ends the same way it begins, with a sorcerer in a banquet and Merlin saving Arthur's life.</p>
<p>A canon divergent fic about what would happen if Merlin slipped up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a WIP, that I will be updating weekly (maybe sometimes more frequently) on Tuesdays. First post date is 17/11/2015. Please let me know what you think!

It's funny that it all ends the same way it begins, with a sorcerer in a banquet and Merlin saving Arthur's life.

Merlin is distracted, so damn distracted because Arthur laughs at the jokes he makes under his breath during Uther's speech and nudges him with his elbow. He should have been watching the crowd, looking for anything suspicious. He was supposed to be protecting Arthur, he was supposed to be protecting Camelot.

The sorcerer comes out of nowhere and everything moves so quickly. One minute she stands up and strides towards the head table where Uther and Arthur sit. The next minute she has Arthur in a magic rope gag, choking him, strangling him. Uther is standing, throwing his plate over, it clatters. The knights surge forward but she is protected, some kind of forcefield spell Merlin supposes. Then Merlin moves. His heart is racing but his mind is not. In fact, he doesn't think at all. Perhaps if he'd thought about it for even two seconds then it wouldn't have ended up like this. But he just acts, a ferocious power ripping from him, and lightning ripping from the sky, blowing the sorcerer away into oblivion like he'd done to Nimueh. 

And then it's all over, within seconds. 

And Arthur is staring at him, wide-eyed, horrified. And Gaius is staring at him brows furrowed, the deep-set look of concern growing quickly. And Gwen is staring at him eyes almost welled with tears. And Uther, boy, Uther is staring at him with contempt.  
"Seize him," Uther roars. He's dragged backwards off of his feet with the full force of the knights. Ripped out of the room with the look of horror on Arthur's face burned into his vision. 

He sits in the cells for two hours. Knees under him, face to the cool rock of the dungeon wall. He has made some mistakes before that this was a pretty big one. How would he get out of this? Could he get out of this? 

The knights come. They drag him back upstairs to the council room. They throw him on his knees in front of Uther who stands next to his thrown. Arthur is there. He stands, his back to the scene, leaning on a table, head bowed. Merlin wants to see his face.

Leon stands there, staring ahead, not at Merlin, not at Uther, not at Arthur, against all of his knight's training which says he must watch incase Merlin is a threat. Just straight ahead.  
"You are a sorcerer," Uther says, it begs an answer.  
"I-" Merlin thinks. He needs to make some reason, a play for some kind of mercy. If he is executed then it is all over, then who is left to protect to Arthur? "I was saving your son's life."  
Uther appears to consider this.  
"You have magic."  
"I was born with it."  
"You betrayed the kingdom. You came here knowing you had magic, you came and infiltrated the royal circle, a sorcerer."  
"To protect the kingdom."  
Uther laughs then and Merlin starts to think he's fucked. Uther doesn't care for his excuses.  
"I thought I was doing the right thing," Merlin begs.  
"Gaius," Uther says slowly. "Did he put you up to this? Teach you magic?"  
Oh no.  
"No," Merlin snaps. "No, Gaius had no idea. He never knew."  
"So you betrayed him too?"  
Merlin swallows.  
"Yes."  
"You acted alone? You infiltrated and practised magic in Camelot alone?"  
A trick question.  
"Yes."  
"Very well. Take him away." 

 

Back to the cells. Merlin drags his legs up to his chest. He's sure to be executed. He sits and thinks. All night.  
He thinks about everyone he'll miss. He thinks about what it'll be like, will it hurt? How much will it hurt? Will they burn him at the stake? Or behead him? What would be worse? Will Gaius watch, will Gwen, will Arthur? He thinks about escaping, he's escaped these cells before, he could do it again. But where would he go? He thinks about that look of horror on Arthur's face. 

When dawn breaks over the bars in the cell window, the knights return. They drag him back upstairs to the council room. 

Uther stands by his thrown, Leon stares straight ahead, Arthur is not there.  
"You have saved my son's life many times and for that I am willing to show you mercy," Uther says, staring Merlin down. "On acts of treason against Camelot, I hereby banish you from Camelot, on pain of execution if you return. You have until dusk to leave." 

Banishment? Somehow, it feels just as bad. 

He goes into shock, everything feels numb. Just yesterday he was joking with Arthur about Uther's comodore boots and now he'll never see him again.  
He goes back to his Gaius' chambers and collects things into a bag. Gaius isn't there but Leon follows him, orders from Uther probably, make sure he isn't up to anything.  
He sits at Gaius' desk and writes two letters.  
"I know you probably feel just as betrayed as anyone, Leon," he says, putting the letters into their separate envelopes. "But I only ever wanted to protect Arthur, the knights, Camelot, everyone. I never meant to hurt anyone, there weren't any ulterior motives. I was just born this way and thought this was the best thing I could do." He writes 'Gaius' on the front of one envelope and puts it on Gaius' desk.  
"I know, Merlin," Leon says suddenly into the silence. Merlin's head snaps up. "You were always just trying to look after everyone. I know."  
And that tiny bit of recognition brings tears to Merlin's eyes and he looks down quickly.  
"You want me to give that to Arthur?" Leon says gesturing to the other envelope, the one still in his hand. Merlin smiles a small sad smile to himself.  
"Thank you, Leon," he says, passing it to him.  
"Please, Merlin, just do one thing for me, eh?" Leon asks and Merlin nods. "Look after yourself."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reunion.

Merlin goes to the only place he can think of. He can't stand the idea of going back to his mother, to not only letting her know he had failed but to endangering her life as well.  
He goes to Cenred's Kingdom, a place he knows he won't be bothered, to Balinor's cave. There seems to be some kind of romantic irony to end up here, driven away by Uther Pendragon, to leave behind everyone he loves and holds dear, exactly like his father. Perhaps maybe, it was always supposed to be this way but that doesn't stop Killagarah's whispered words waking him at night in sweats. Nightmares plague him; what ifs. What if Arthur gets into trouble and no one is there to save him? What if the kingdom is overthrown? What if Arthur is killed? 

But the worst nightmare of all is just Arthur's face, staring at Merlin as if he didn't even know him, betrayal. 

The Druids live near by and they are kind to him. They call him Emyrs and bow to him. In exchange for his healing powers, they bring him food, water, mead and sometimes money so he can go down to the local tavern. The druid children call him "shaman" and they come and sit and watch him work sometimes. One of them tells him that he looks very sad, and why is he always so sad? Merlin smiles at him and tells him he isn't sad but the child just asks him why doesn't he heal himself? Merlin thinks he would if he knew how.   
He lives there for six months, he makes a bed frame out of wood and pulls a blanket over it tight to create a bunk to sleep on. One of the local toolsmen builds him a set of shelves after he heals his wife and he keeps remedies on there, things Gaius taught him to make. He watches the night shift into day and into night again. 

One night he gets attacked by a Serket on his way home from the tavern and he gets stung. He wakes up three days later in a Druid tent with a head ache and realises he'd wished the Serket's poison had killed him. He'd laid in the dirt, shuddering in pain and wishing and wishing selfishly for death. He knew he could not kill himself, that it would not be fair.   
But if death so happened upon him then surely that was destiny, surely that would be okay. 

Merlin continues. He eats stew that the Druids now deliver to him, they give him these pitying looks but he smiles back. He doesn't think about his mother in Ealdor, or Gwaine wherever he is or Lance or Gwen in Camelot and he certainly doesn't think about Arthur. He drinks more. There's a certain peace to going to bed drunk, less nightmares, more black outs. He goes to the tavern most nights. He asks the druids for money rather than food, they bring him both.

It is six months and 15 days since he was banished from Camelot when he is attacked by bandits. 

They ambush from behind, one of them knocks him over the back of the head and he felt dizzy even before the hit. They pull his hair back and put a knife to his throat.  
"Give us all your money or we'll kill you." 

The threat seems empty, floating up away from Merlin.

"Just do it," he groans. There's no reply. "Just kill me." 

He wants to say something to provoke them but he's at a loss for words, five pints of mead down the tavern have left him sloggish. His brain can't come up with the right words but maybe if he just tells them to, they will. "Just fucking kill me." 

And suddenly his head is hitting the ground and he's being swallowed by darkness and it feels like relief.

***

He wakes on his bunk. He knows it's his bunk because it's so damn uncomfortable. There are people talking. Hushed voices.

"Why do you keep calling him Emyrs?"  
"That is what we druids call him. It is his destiny to save Camelot and usher in a new time, a better time."

Silence.  
"I must take him home."  
"Of course, we understood his time with us was temporary."

Another silence.  
"He is very sick."  
"Yes, I can see that. Did you not look after him?"  
"We could ask you the same question, could we not?" 

Another silence.  
"When will he be well enough to ride?"  
"Come morning."  
"Very well."   
"You should rest too. It is a two day ride back to Camelot." 

Another silence.  
"I am not tired."   
"As you wish."

Conciousness returns to him like a slap in the face. He wakes suddenly and jittery in cold sweat. The rock walls surrounding him are the same as ever but there is a man sat beside him, a man whose voice he'd recognised the night before. 

"Arthur?" 

And it is Arthur, looking at him with painfully big blue eyes. Really fucking there, after all those months. Just staring at him like nothing had ever happened. Like he'd hit his head and gone back to how it was before, maybe it was all some terrible dream...

"What happened?"   
"There were some bandits..." Arthur paused, looks away, swallows. "You hit your head pretty hard but they didn't hurt you. The druids have fixed you up, you'll be right as rain in no time." 

Merlin nods. Not a dream then. He really had been living in this cave for 6 months, really had been banished, really hadn't seen Arthur all this time. 

"Why, why are you here, Arthur?"   
"Well, you know, royal errands." He says, making a vague gesture with his hands. "If one is to happen upon a damsel in distress on their way, well, it is my duty to protect them."   
It sounds like a line straight out of Gwaine's mouth.  
"Arthur, you should probably go." It wasn't what Merlin wants to say but the sight of him is making his heart bleed into his mouth, he's close to saying something he'd regret.  
"Mmm, yes we probably should."  
"Arthur."  
"Merlin, Uther is dead."   
"... Uther is.. dead?"  
"Wow, you really have been holed up here. You never heard?"  
"No."   
"He died two months ago." 

Merlin stares at Arthur. King Arthur. 

"I'm sorry, Arthur."  
"Don't be."  
"But, he was your father."  
Arthur pauses.   
"We had... grown distant. He was a cruel man. I did not mourn his death."

Arthur sounds cold, hard. 

"We should write your mother, send it with one of the druid's messenger birds," Arthur says, getting up.  
"Arthur, why would we write my mother?"  
Arthur shifts on the spot.  
"Well, we had assumed you'd go back to Ealdor, to her."  
"And?"  
"And Gwaine happened to pass through Ealdor and speak to Hunith. When she said she thought she'd been in Camelot all this time, well Gwaine may have told her otherwise."  
"Why would he do that?!"  
"I don't know I'm not Gwaine's keeper!"  
Merlin sighs. "God. She's going to be so disappointed." He hadn't really meant to say it out loud, it was just a passing thought.  
Arthur stares at him.  
"I think she's much more likely to be relieved, relieved that you aren't bloody dead!" 

They glare at each other.

"I am going to send this letter to Hunith. Then we are going to leave."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than normal so apologises for that.   
> Featuring a journey home and unsaid words.

It has been a long time since Merlin rode a horse but then, he wasn't really what one would call 'riding' one anyway. Really he is wrapped up in a blanket, in Arthur's arms, as Arthur rides. It seems a little ridiculous that Arthur didn't just put him on the back of the horse but according to him Merlin "would probably fall off and hit his head again and then they'd have to sit around listening to the druids talk about plants and the power of nature for another day". Plus, Merlin try as he might, can't complain about being wrapped up in Arthur's arms. God, he smells just like he'd always done.

They make camp a little before sunset. Arthur makes the fire and tells Merlin to just sit there and not do anything for fear he'd injure himself again. Arthur even makes food and it even tastes okay.

"Have you not eaten since you left Camelot?"  
"Huh?"   
"I mean, you were skinny before but now..." Arthur just trails off, making another vague hand gesture.   
"Food is better in Camelot."  
"Mmm." Arthur puts his bowl down and pokes the fire with a stick. "The druids said you didn't eat much. They said you drank a lot but you didn't eat much." 

Merlin looks up at him. Arthur stares at the fire. He doesn't want to have this conversation.  
"Who knew the druids were such gossips," he says smiling at Arthur. But Arthur doesn't return it.

"I heard what you said to those bandits, you know."   
Merlin's heart sinks. This is the last thing he wants to Arthur to say. 

"Arthur, I..."  
"It's okay, Merlin, really you don't have to explain."  
Merlin cringes. Arthur must see him as so weak.   
"I was drunk," Merlin says as if that makes up as some kind of excuse. 

"We should get some sleep," Arthur replies, pulling a blanket out of his bag and throwing it over himself and Merlin.  
He lays down next to him, shoulders touching, his chain mail against the fabric of Merlin's shirt.

Merlin doesn't know how to deal with this reaction from Arthur; his coldness mixed with his closeness. He still had no idea what Arthur thinkst of him, of the magic, of everything that has happened between them. He has no idea what those closed off expressions are saying.

Merlin sighs and looks up at the night sky. Stars twinkling blindly away like nothing in the world has changed since they came into existance billions of years ago.

"Everyone is going to be pleased to see you. Particularly Gaius," Arthur says with closed eyes.  
"How has he been?"  
"Worried. They've all been worried, Merlin."  
"I missed them."  
"I know," Arthur says and turns away.

Arthur's breathing grows steady and Merlin turns to sleep too. But he can't fall asleep, not with Arthur's back pressed to his back, not after finally seeing him after all this time. If he falls asleep Arthur might just disappear- might decide he can't stand to be near Merlin after all and ride back to Camelot without him.

And then after maybe an hour, he hears Arthur whisper so very, very quietly.

"I am so sorry, Merlin. I am so very, very sorry," just into the air, it sounds hoarse, pained, breathed through gritted teeth and Merlin knows he wasn't supposed to have heard it. 

He just lays there staring into the darkness of the wood running Arthur's apology over and over in his head. Wasn't that Merlin's line? Wasn't he supposed to the one apologising? He'd betrayed Arthur, lied to him all those years, left him unprotected, left him to deal with his father's death by himself, left him to become King Arthur without Merlin by his side. 

***

When morning comes the warmth of Arthur's back has gone and Merlin shivers awake, fear of abandonment almost immediate. 

"Arthur?" He calls out, it's something he'd grown accustomed to calling out and receiving no repsonse. But today is different.

"It's just one more days ride to Camelot," Arthur says from where he is packing the horse. "We'll be there by nightfall. I sent a message forward to Gaius letting him know I was with you. I felt it unfair for him to wait any longer for news."

"Oh?" Merlin says so very articulately, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. 

"You know, he's feared you dead for many months, ever since we heard you were not in Ealdor." 

"Oh."

Arthur sighs then and just looks at Merlin, like there was something else he wants to say. They stare at one another but no other words are said. Arthur just finishing packing the horse and then wraps Merlin up again and puts him on the horse.

"I'm not a bloody child, Arthur," Merlin grumbles but once again, lets him do so. Arthur says nothing. He just gets on the horse and rides and holds Merlin a little too tight against his body with his free arm.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Posted a week and a day early because I wrote more and wanted to publish, hope no one minds!  
> Let me know what you think.   
> Featuring a reunion with Camelot and some old familiar faces!

Camelot coming back into view is like a strange dream. He never thought he'd see it again but there it is, the same as it ever was. 

And he can't help but smile as he gets off the horse and feels those familiar cobbles under his feet and when he looks up he sees Arthur smiling back at him for the first time since they were reunited. 

But his eyes are torn away to the sound of someone squealing at the top of the steps, he looks to see Gwen running down to meet him. She pulls him so hard into a hug he almost topples over. 

"God, Merlin," she cries. "God, it's so good to see you. I am so glad you're okay." She hugs him tighter but then someone else is there too. Gaius. 

"Merlin, my boy," and Gaius looks teary eyed too. He hugs him and holds his face in hands. "You gave this old man a heart attack. I thought I might never see your face again." 

"Merlin!" Cries another voice and two seconds later he is being crushed by several knights. Gwaine at the forefront, squeezing him.  
"I knew you'd be okay, mate," Gwaine says  
"Of course he was going to be okay. Bravest man we know," Lance adds, grinning.   
"You're a ... knight?" Merlin manages to say through the hugs. He had no idea everyone would be here and it is a little overwhelming to say the least.  
"So much to tell you, Merl, so much," Gwaine says, grinning.

***

It's not that he doesn't appreciate it. Hell, it gets it. The sentiment is there. But sitting on his bed "resting", "getting his strength back", well it gets a bit boring. He has spent so much time thinking, alone with his thoughts for the last six months and that isn't what he needs right now, more time to think. He can't even stand it for 20 minutes, staring at the old, familiar walls, knowing everyone is just outside that door. Left with his thoughts of Arthur's strange expressions and behaviours of the last few days. 

So "so much to tell you, Merl," comes that evening when Merlin sneaks off to the Rising Sun after Gaius falls asleep.  
Gwaine had told him in passing that he would be there that night but Gaius had scolded him. 

"He'll be resting, Gwaine, look at him, he needs it," Gaius had said and Gwaine had rolled his eyes and clapped him on the back in defeat. But Merlin was never very good at doing what he was supposed to do.

The Rising Sun isn't too busy, he finds Gwaine easily, sitting in the corner nursing a mead.

"Merlin!" He exclaims. "I knew you'd come." He tries to buy Merlin a pint but the bartender gives Merlin one on the house, saying something about Camelot owing him one.

Merlin pouts. "Hardly," he says but the bartender just smiles and replies, "I don't think you'll be spending money on a pint for quite some time." And then leaves and Merlin feels perplexed. He was expecting everyone to be cold towards him, uncomfortable, at best maybe, intimidated, but everyone has been so warm.

"Thank god, you're back, Merlin," Gwaine says once they've sat down with their drinks.  
"It's good to be back," Merlin says, smiling.   
"It's a stroke of genius, Arthur thinking to go to Balinor's cave really. I mean took them long enough to think of it." 

Merlin frowns. "What do you mean?"

"You know, Balinor's cave, I mean I think it was probably Gaius trying to keep your secrets at heart which is why he didn't tell him about Balinor being your father for so long but in the end, they found you which is what counts." 

Merlin stares at him. Arthur purposefully went to Balinor's Cave to find him? It wasn't as Arthur had put it "well, you know, royal errands." That he happened upon Merlin by coincidence and felt morally obligated to protect him. 

"Arthur went to find me at Balinor's Cave after Gaius told him Balinor was my father?" Merlin says like he's reading out gibberish. 

Gwaine raises an eyebrow at him. "Yes. What- what did he tell you?"

Merlin sips his drink thoughtfully. "Not that."

Gwaine nods. It's enough of an answer between friends. 

"It's in Cenred's kingdom," Merlin says after a few minutes.  
"Yeah."  
"If he'd been caught it would have been an act of war, him breaching the territory like that."   
"Good thing he wasn't caught then," Gwaine says, winking.  
"He came to Cenred's Kingdom to look for me?"  
"Of course he did, Merlin," Gwaine says giving an apprehensive look. "Arthur's been a mess without you."

"His father died," Merlin says. "How did it happen?"

Gwaine shifts in his seat and takes a long drink from his glass.

"Magic?" Merlin asks.  
"No," he says, setting down the glass. "A duel. No magic involved."  
"But I could have saved him," Merlin prompts.

Gwaine shrugs. 

"Possibly." 

Merlin nods. It's enough to tell Merlin that if he'd have been there then this wouldn't have happened. He should have been there to save Uther Pendragons' life, the King's life, to save Arthur from having to lose his father. If he'd have just been a bit more careful, a bit more vigilant than this wouldn't have happened.  
Another drink is set down in front of him by a passing barmaid. No one takes the credit for buying it. He takes a sip.

"I missed you, Gwaine. I missed all of it, Camelot," he says gesturing around the tavern. "And hell, you're a knight? I must have missed a lot?"   
"It's a long story, perhaps... not my story to tell," Gwaine suggests.  
"Then whose?"  
"Arthur's," he says as if that should have been devastatingly obvious. "He didn't tell you much then?"  
"Not particularly. Is there something I should know?"

Gwaine takes another long drink.

"If there's one thing I can tell you, it's that Arthur needs you by his side."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah like that fancy boy can't do without his manservant," Gwaine says laughing. But it strikes a chord somewhere in Merlin's chest. Does Arthur need him or does he need a servant? He came to Balinor's Cave to find Merlin yet he's been cold and distant since he found him. He hasn't said anything to Merlin about re assuming his prior duties. Does he want Merlin at his side, truly? Does he want him as his servant? As his friend? Or even just as his ally? 

Merlin swigs back the rest of his drink.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur and Merlin finally have a conversation but it doesn't exactly go how Merlin thought it would.

Merlin makes a decision. 

He decides that he will presume his prior duties with or without Arthur asking him to. After all, that's what he's good at right? He was born to serve Arthur.

He gets up early the next morning even if he's feeling a little rough around the edges. But he sleeps better on his bed than that bunk he made.  
He goes to the kitchens and puts Arthur a breakfast together. He gets some funny looks but no one says anything to him like "what are you doing in this kitchen, get out!"   
He gets extra bread, extra cheese, extra meat- he needs to show Arthur he can be vigilant, he can still be a good servant even with his magic. 

It's like things have never changed strolling down to Arthur's chambers carrying a silver tray of food. But his heart starts pounding relentlessly hard in his chest. He's nervous, to see Arthur, speak to him, be anywhere near him. It rings in his ears and he suddenly can't stop thinking about the journey home- Arthur's arms around him, tight and warm. He steadies his breathing. It's just Arthur. 

There are two guards outside Arthur's door that Merlin doesn't recognise but they don't stop him as he twists the handle and pushes Arthur's door open.   
Arthur is tangled up in the sheets on his bed, topless. Like he used to be. He drools on the pillow slightly and it warms Merlin's heart. Even through everything, Arthur was still him.

But he stirs as soon as Merlin enters the room and puts down the tray of food.

"Merlin?" He says dreamily, cracking his eyes barely open.   
"Sire," he says, bowing slightly and shit, he's never really done that before, why is he doing that?

"Merlin!" Arthur exclaims as if his face was the last thing he'd been expecting to see, scrambling up the covers to hide his bare chest. Merlin had seen Arthur topless more times than he could count but now Arthur was hiding himself, perhaps he truly was scared of Merlin now, worried about his vulnerability. 

"Sire," Merlin repeats.  
"What are doing?"  
"I'm bringing you breakfast," he says, gesturing towards the tray. Arthur looks over at the breakfast like it's an entirely foreign object.   
"Why?"  
"Because... you like to eat, don't you, Sire?" Merlin says, raising an eyebrow and smiling at him, a fake smile but one practised so much it almost feels real. He just needs Arthur not to tell him to go away, not right now.

He goes to the table and pours Arthur some grape juice from the jug.  
"What are you doing now?"  
"I'm pouring you a drink," Merlin says curtly. "Seriously, you've woken up groggy today- not on your top form at all. Luckily this breakfast will help sort you out, I got a bit of extra... well, a bit of extra everything."

Arthur gets out of bed and starts rummaging around in his cupboards. Merlin steps forward and hands him his night shirt that was hanging on the back of his chair and Arthur snatches it from him.

"Merlin stop," he snaps, and dares to stare Merlin down.  
"Stop what?"  
"This, breakfast, juice."  
"Why? I thought you said a good servant was hard to come by."  
"Merlin you aren't my servant any more."

It makes Merlin feel very, very small. Of course he'd known Arthur would have taken another servant, it's been six months. But it still hurts. He hoped deep in his heart that Arthur would fire whoever it was upon Merlin's return. 

"I could be though, you're servant again." It's almost a plea but Merlin doesn't want Arthur to hear it that way to he says it defiantly, like a demand.  
"No, Merlin, I don't want you to be my servant."

Well, that's that then. Arthur doesn't want Merlin by his side truly, he wants him as his ally, he wants to make sure Merlin doesn't turn against Camelot or even use him as a weapon if Camelot is attacked? But that's Merlin's true purpose isn't it, to protect Camelot? Not to be friends with the king. 

"Right then," Merlin says because there's nothing else to say. He turns to leave but Arthur grabs his wrist.  
"Look, just come here," he says and pulls Merlin across the room, where he picks up his sword- the sword Merlin had basked in Dragon's breath all that time ago.  
"Kneel," Arthur tells him.  
"Kneel?" Merlin repeats, looking between Arthur and the sword in his hand.   
"Kneel."

So Merlin kneels. And hopes that Arthur doesn't plan on beheading him in his chambers because that really would be strange. Especially as he hadn't killed him yet, for crying out loud, he could have just let the Bandits do it if he'd wanted Merlin dead.

Arthur takes the sword and places it lightly on Merlin's shoulder and Merlin holds his breath.

"I, Arthur Pendragon, as ruling King of Camelot, hereby appoint you, Merlin, as court sorcerer of Camelot." 

Arthur taps over both of Merlin's shoulders with the sword then brings it back.

Merlin sits there kneeling and doesn't say anything, he can barely breathe. This was probably the last thing he'd been expecting. He feels like he's going into shock. Court sorcerer. Arthur wanted him to be court sorcerer, his court sorcerer. 

"You can stand now, Merlin," Arthur says above him, peering down. But Merlin's having a hard time looking anywhere but the floor. "Come on, you'll damage your knees like that," Arthur says and lifts him to a standing position. 

"You want me to be court sorcerer?" Merlin says finally looking at him, knowing he can't quite hide the emotion as well as he'd like.  
"If you want to," Arthur says carefully.   
"I do. I'm just a bit surprised."  
"What did you think I was doing?"  
"Well for one moment I thought you were going to behead right in the middle of your chambers." 

It's meant to be a joke, something to lighten the mood but Arthur's façade crumbles and he sets down the sword heavily on the desk.

"You think I'd do that?"  
"Well, it's hard to know what you're thinking," Merlin says honestly. 

And Arthur suddenly grabs the front of Merlins' shirt and brings him very close. The warmth of his body pressed against Merlin is intoxicating and for a moment that's all he can think about.  
"Merlin, I could never do that to you," he says slowly, piercing Merlin with his big blue eyes. Merlin puts his hand over Arthur's which is clutching at his shirt and Arthur looks down at it then at Merlin and for one ridiculous moment, Merlin isn't sure what's about to happen. But then Arthur snaps out of it and takes his hand back.

"We should eat," he says sitting down at the table. Merlin just stands there, staring at him. "Come on," he says, patting the seat next to him.  
"We?"  
"Yes, Merlin. You aren't my servant any more, you are my equal, we eat together. Besides I think you probably need it more than me."  
Merlin sits and Arthur pushes the plate over to him after picking off some bread and cheese for himself.  
"Eat."  
So Merlin eats.  
"Of course," Arthur says around a mouthful, "we'll have a proper ceremony next week."  
"Proper ceremony?"  
"Mm, your anointment. A feast, a dance, things like that. I've sent word to your mother and invited her, I hope that's okay with you. I wanted to keep it a surprise actually but you forced my hand, as it were."   
Merlin glazes over the fact that Arthur seems to be in constant correspondence with his mother recently.   
"A dance, a feast, a ceremony... for me?"  
"Of course," Arthur says nodding at him. "You deserve it. Actually you deserve a lot more than that."  
"Arthur..."  
"How many times have you saved my life, Merlin? Saved Camelot from absolute peril?"  
"I... I don't know."  
"See," he says and then adds, "turns out your not quite the, what was the word you used, clotpole, I thought you were." And he smiles at Merlin.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ft. *Trumpet sound* Secret Ally Leon!, a little background on Gwaine and some banter.

Merlin goes back to his chambers after breakfast in a daze. 

They hadn't said much else whilst they ate. Merlin just kept staring at Arthur's smile probably with a dumb smile on his own face to mirror it.

Arthur had never been so kind but it still felt like he was holding back. He was so reserved, it wasn't like Arthur at all. 

Merlin gets back to Gaius' room to find Leon flicking through one of Gaius' books. A sorcery book.  
"Leon, what are you doing?"  
Leon looks up, kindly, not startled at all.  
"Sorry, I was intrigued," he says, putting the book on the shelf.

It hadn't occurred to Merlin- and it might sound like the stupidest thing considering what happened just twenty minutes ago- that magic was now legal in Camelot.  
He could freely practice magic. And so could Gaius'. Anyone could. Hell, if Leon wanted to, he could. 

"I just got back," explains Leon. "I wanted to see how you were." 

Merlin beams. Leon had always been such a loyal knight and good friend to not only Arthur and Camelot but to Merlin too. Merlin thought Leon might've felt protective over his friendship with Arthur when Merlin and him began becoming better friends but quite the opposite happened- Leon invited him in to their close circle with open arms. He always invited Merlin to the tavern when they went for drinks and made an effort to include him. Leon was a good man.

"I'm great now," Merlin says.

"Well, still a little skinny from all that exile but we'll fix that. I see you just about managed to keep my promise." 

Look after yourself.

"Oh, yeah," Merlin says, at first surprised then, "of course."  
Leon just laughs.

Just got back.

"Just got back?"  
"Yeah, well Arthur's letter didn't arrive until the morning after he found you and it's almost a day's ride from Ealdor."  
Merlin frowns.  
"Your mum is well by the way, much better after hearing the news that you're alright. And the news about becoming court sorcerer, the letter arrived just as I was leaving. Congratulations, Merlin. That's brilliant. I mean, obviously, Arthur wouldn't have anyone else but still, congratulations."  
Merlin is still frowning.  
"What's wrong, Merlin?"  
"Why were you in Ealdor? Is everything okay there?"  
Now Leon frowns.  
"I've been stationed there for the last month or so... Arthur didn't say?"  
"No... is everything okay there?"  
"Yeah, Merlin, it's all fine there. I wasn't there for that. I was there for you."  
"For me?"  
"In case you turned up there, it seemed like the most logical place for you to come back to at some point."  
"Oh." 

Arthur had stationed Leon there, in case Merlin returned there?

"By the way, I put some things in your room that Gwaine and I found on patrol a few weeks ago, that we thought you might like. Gwaine's been nightmare ever since you left. Rabbiting on and on. Anyway, it's all in there, " he says gesturing behind him.  
Merlin nods, unable to do anything normal like say thanks because he's so taken aback.  
"I should go, Arthur will have my guts for garters if I'm late for practice again."  
Merlin nods again. And then finally, "thanks, Leon."  
"Hey, I'm just glad you're back." 

Merlin ducks his head around his bedroom door to see what Leon has left him. It turns out to be books, mostly. Sorcery books. And there's a beautiful wooden chest which Gwaine has stuck a little sticky note on which reads, "fill me with books". And a home-made leather bound notepad, which Gwaine has written in the front of saying, "fill me with spells and whatever." And then underneath, "p.s. don't go disappearing again". 

Merlin had always had a soft spot for Gwaine and as it turns out, Gwaine definitely had a soft spot for him. There was a time when Merlin thought something might happen between them, especially when Gwaine first arrived in Camelot. But Gwaine had seen something in Merlin's eyes that he didn't even know was there. They'd kissed one night after Gwaine and he got drunk at the tavern (much to Arthur's disapproval- the drinking, not the kissing, he didn't know about that) and Gwaine had stopped him and said Merlin shouldn't be kissing him if he was wishing it were someone else. And Merlin had looked at him, very confused, and Gwaine had mumbled something about royal arseholes and passed out on the bed. The next morning Gwaine had said it was probably a good deal he'd passed out because Merlin was far too sweet for him and they'd been just friends ever since. The whole royal arsehole thing began to make a lot more sense the more Merlin thought about it. He couldn't pin point exactly when he'd moved from denial into utter infatuation, he just knew it was a very foolish thing to do, pine after a prince, oh wait, a king now. A king who was keeping Merlin at arm's length. 

***

Merlin doesn't know what to do with himself. No more servant duties. What was a court sorcerer supposed to do? He couldn't stand the silence, listening to his own ridiculous thoughts swirling around his head. He read through all of the books Leon and Gwaine left him; and flicked through some of Gaius'.

And where was Gaius anyway? Maybe he should go and find out.

He finds a guard, someone he recognises and asks if they know where Gaius has gotten to. Apparently down in the lower town helping with a child who broke their arm, falling out a tree. Maybe Merlin could help. 

It is his full intention to walk down to the lower town and see if he's needed, but he sees Arthur and the knights practising on the field and Gwaine waves him over.  
"Merlin!" He bellows, waving his sword around like a lunatic. "Come and watch, you can be my cheerleader."  
"Wouldn't you prefer one of the lovely lasses from the Rising Sun?" Elyan jibes.  
"Nah, definitely prefer Merlin, least he's got all his teeth. Anyway, maybe he can give me a little... enhancement on the field?" He says, winking at Merlin. It's the first joke made about his magic and Merlin can't help the grin spread over his face. Gwaine has accepted him and is joking with him.  
"Oh you need enhancement, do you, Gwaine?" Merlin says.  
"Maybe if I'm going to beat his royal smugness over there. The amount he practices is inhumane." Gwaine narrows his eyes, "maybe you're already giving someone some enhancements on the field."  
Merlin laughs.  
"Bit of a sore loser there, Gwaine?" Elyan chides.  
"How about this? If you win, Gwaine, I'll buy you a pint at the tavern?" Merlin suggests.  
"And what if I lose?"  
Merlin pauses. What he wants to say is, if you lose, you tell me what happened whilst I was away, you tell me what you said Arthur should tell me. But he can't. Not right here, not right now.  
"Then you buy me a pint."  
"Deal. Oi, Pendragon, get over here, I'm ready to take you down."  
Arthur who seemed to be helping a smaller knight carry through a swing onto a post, looks up and jogs over.  
"You sure Gwaine? How many times can you get beaten in one day without it hurting that very large ego of yours?"  
"Well, we've got an audience to entertain," Gwaine says throwing a thumb in Merlin's direction. Arthur, who obviously hadn't seen Merlin before, looks surprised to see him there. Like it was the last place he'd ever imagined to see Merlin. But he recovers the falter in his expression quickly.  
Arthur doesn't say anything, he just raises his sword to fight. 

Arthur beats Gwaine, it really wasn't going to go any other way. Merlin plays audience, he smiles and claps and whoops and boos and does all the things that makes Arthur smile and makes Gwaine laugh. The evening is beginning to close in on them, Merlin spent most of the day reading books. And the knights begin to scatter off, to change and wash and eat.

"I'll see you at the Rising Sun tonight, Merl," Gwaine calls as he jogs off to the armoury to put back some of the training equipment. Merlin waves. It's been a good afternoon, like old times. He stares up at the purplish sky, how many times did he stare up at that sky and think he'd never make it back to Camelot, never make it back to this, never be happy again. 

"I thought you'd be resting today," Arthur says coming up behind Merlin.  
"Really Arthur, resting gets very boring," Merlin says, automatically unclasping Arthur's arm sheaths. "Besides, I'm not really sure why I'm resting, I'm pretty much in perfect health."  
"Merlin-"  
-"Yes, yes, though a little skinny. Everyone loves to keep reminding me."  
"No, I was going to say, you don't have to do that, you aren't my servant anymore." Merlin looks down at the arm sheaths, he'd now undone and began to take off.

"Oh." Merlin takes a step back. Getting used to this not being his servant thing was going to be harder than he realised. He also realises at that exact moment that the only reason he ever got to be so close to Arthur, both physically and emotionally was because of his role as manservant, without that role, would those things go too?

"Where's your servant to do that?" Merlin asks looking around because he can't quite look at Arthur right now. He also realises at that exact moment, that he hasn't seen Arthur's servant, not once. There was no one there to bring him breakfast, there was no one with him when he came to find Merlin and there was no one here right now. Merlin would normally be on the field, helping with equipment, being at Arthur's beck and call. But there was no servant here.

"I do it myself," Arthur says, sharply and Merlin looks at him. He's flustered and trying to undo the clasp on his neck with one hand.  
"That can't be easy," Merlin says, stepping back into Arthur's space and undoing it for him. "Why not get your servant to do it?"  
"I'm not a total idiot, Merlin, I can dress and undress myself."  
Merlin tries not to think about the words "undress" in relation to Arthur. King Arthur.  
"That's very strange because I seem to remember helping you with exactly that on countless occasions."  
"Well, I learned how to do it."  
"It's a pity you didn't learn it before, could've saved me a lot of hassle," Merlin smiles. And Arthur huffs out a breath. 

They walk back towards the castle together, the night fully upon them now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ft. drunk Merlin

"It's a team effort, you know," Gwaine says, swilling mead down his shirt. "We all help with the equipment and polish our own armour, scrub our own boots."  
The Rising Sun is a little busier tonight but they still manage to get a table and Merlin still manages to get all his drinks for free.  
"So that's why he doesn't have a manservant?""  
"He has some servants, you know, he's King Arthur, he doesn't do his own laundry but he dresses himself and gets his own breakfast from what I can tell."

Merlin gives Gwaine an apprehensive look- he seems to be giving Gwaine a lot of apprehensive looks recently.

"And this is all because of the round table thing, everyone being equal?"  
"That's what he said."  
"But that's not what you think?"  
"Come on, Merl, do you really want me to spell it out for you?" 

Merlin really, really does.

"He missed you," Gwaine says eventually, seriously.  
"Mm, he's still acting a bit weird."  
"When does Arthur not act a bit weird?"

Merlin sips his pint.

"Thanks, by the way, all those books, the note pad and the chest is really very beautiful."  
"Hey, couldn't let it all go to waste, especially when we've got our own resident sorcerer!"  
"Got it a couple of weeks ago?"  
"Okay, so I lived in hope," Gwaine says shrugging. "I knew you'd be back anyway. I told Arthur, over and over-"  
-"I bet you did. Leon said you've been chewing his ear off."  
"I was right though, wasn't I, Merlin?"  
"I don't think that's what bothered him," Merlin says laughing.  
"Alright, alright," Gwaine says smiling broadly.

***

Merlin is drunk. Very, very drunk. It's the barkeepers fault, he kept on giving him pint after pint of free mead.  
At some point Gwaine had disappeared, Merlin isn't exactly sure when. The alcohol is reminding him of his time being banished; he can't seem to shake the loneliness, the emptiness. His first thought is to go to find Gwaine, maybe snuggle up in bed with him, lying in the arms of another man sounds pretty good tonight. But it's not the man's arms he wants to be lying in and then all he can think about is Arthur.

This is how he finds himself stumbling up the castle stairs to Arthur's chambers.

In retrospect, it's a really really bad idea. But that's the thing with drunken decisions...

Merlin trips through Arthur's door, past the guards who don't seem to bat an eye at him. And straight into a sword at his chest.

"Merlin!" Arthur exclaims, lowering his sword.  
"Gonna run me through?" Merlin says, jokingly but it sounds bitter, awfully awfully bitter. And why is Merlin suddenly bitter and angry? All he wanted was to come up and hug Arthur and hold him and now he feels all this resentment running through him. Maybe the last three pints where a bad move.  
"You surprised me," Arthur says, putting the sword down on his desk. "What are you doing here?"  
"I..." Merlin can't think of anything to say and he's swaying on his feet.  
"You're drunk."  
"The barkeeper doesn't make me pay for pints anymore."  
"Yes."  
"Gwaine told me about your round table? No servants, that's very bold of you, Arthur."

Arthur swallows.

"You're very drunk, Merlin, maybe you should go back to your room," Arthur suggests.

Merlin leans forward on the table. He wants Arthur to laugh or at least smile but he's not. Suddenly Merlin isn't angry anymore, he's back to wanting to hold Arthur. Stupid mead.

Stupid emotions.

"I missed you," Merlin whispers as if it's some big secret. Of course he missed Arthur. 

"I thought you would hate me," Arthur whispers back.

Merlin looks up at Arthur.

"After I found out, everything you did, everything you did for me and that, well, you were repayed like that, banished from Camelot. You should hate me."  
"I could never hate you, Arthur."  
They look at each other then, just look at one another.  
"I thought I'd never see you again," Merlin says quietly.  
"We should sleep. It's getting late."  
"Right," Merlin says. Arthur doesn't want to talk about it. He never does. He's trying to get Merlin to leave, to stop.  
"I'll go then," Merlin continues and starts to stumble to the door.  
"You're too drunk," Arthur says. "Stay here."  
"In your bed?"  
"Please."  
Merlin looks at him again. 

And that's how they end up in bed together, both fully dressed and Merlin, in his drunken state, rolls over and clings onto Arthur's shirt like he's drowning. Holding him there. Keeping him there. And Arthur lets him. And neither of them say anything and eventually they both fall asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ft. Hunith

Merlin wakes up far too comfortable to be in his own bed. The sheets are soft, there's a pillow under his head and everything smells, mm clean, and definitely not of dank moss like it did in the cave.

Then, with a pounding head, the night returns to him. Drinking, Gwaine, more drinking, stumbling to the castle to... Arthur's chambers.

He opens one corner of his eye only to have two bright eyes staring back at him.

"Arthur!" He exclaims, and then, even worse, he realises his hand is fisted in Arthur's cotton shirt.  
He immediately reprises it.  
Arthur looks a little uncomfortable but says, "ah, the wino has awoken, it's a wonder it truly is."  
"God," Merlin says, putting his hand to his head. There was sure to be an awful hangover to come. "I feel gross."  
"Well, I'm not surprised, you're drinking Camelot dry the way you go at the tavern."  
"It's not my fault, they keep giving me free drinks!"  
"Yes," Arthur says slowly. "I should put a stop to that... though I'm sure Gwaine would just end up buying the drinks for you anyway."  
"He's a bad influence."  
"You're just as bad as each other!"  
Merlin laughs. That could be true.

"I should get up," Arthur says.  
"Yes. Sorry. I didn't mean to er..." Merlin says, now being the one to make a weird hand gesture.  
"You seemed," Arthur pauses. "You were dreaming, I think, at one point."  
Merlin flushes. Shit.  
"Was I- Was I talking in my sleep?"  
"Nightmares, I think," Arthur says instead of answering his question.  
"Oh."

Oh. The nightmares that began when he was in Cenred's realm still follow him even when he's drinking then, he just forgets it.

"Sometimes I dream, sometimes that if, what if I hadn't have come back to Camelot, if something had happened... to the kingdom." To you.  
"You're such a girl, Merlin," Arthur says. And Merlin can't help but smile because now that sounds like Arthur. But before he gets off the bed, he adds, "you know I'm truly sorry for what happened to you, Merlin." And looks him dead in the eyes, all sad and suffering and it breaks Merlin's heart a little.

Arthur gets up, stretches, paces around the room a bit.  
"I have training," he says.  
"Right," Merlin says and realises it's his easy way of saying, you've over stayed your welcome.  
"Your banquet is in two days," Arthur tells him as he's getting out of the bed and straightening the sheets. "Your mother should arrive tomorrow, I've had them make up a guest bedroom for her near Gaius' chambers. I'm not letting her sleep in your pig sty of a room."  
"Shouldn't that be my line? She's my mother, after all."  
"Well then, you should have thought of it."  
"I didn't even know she was arriving tomorrow until just now!"  
"I put a note in Gaius' rooms to let you know. Ever vigilant, Merlin, you should have been paying attention!"  
What a light-hearted joke and how hard it hits Merlin in the chest. Why is he so bad at being vigilant, at paying attention, at focusing on what's he's supposed to be doing. That's what got him into all the mess in the first place.  
"You're right," he says quietly and quickly retreats from Arthur's chambers, briefly seeing the confused look on Arthur's face.

***

It is the next day and Merlin is on high-alert. He will not, must not, shall not miss another thing. He is about to be made Court Sorcerer of Camelot and Camelot deserves a damn good one. 

Hunith arrives in a horse and carriage which must be the work of Arthur because she couldn't even dream of being able to afford such a thing.  
He meets her at the steps and she pulls him into a hug so hard and so tight, he can barely breathe.  
"My boy," she whispers, still holding him. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. He thought he may never see her again and by her reaction, she seems to have thought the same thing.  
She holds his face and they stand in the court yard for probably too long but no one bothers them.

Eventually, the make it up to Gaius' rooms and he fixes her some food while her and Gaius catch up. Apparently there's lots to talk about now magic is legal and even more to talk about now Merlin is home. Gaius leaves after a while with some excuse about collecting herbs but Merlin sees right through it, an excuse to give him and his mother a chance to catch up.

"Court Sorcerer of Camelot, my boy," she says to him smiling fondly over the table, once Gaius had gone.  
"I can hardly believe it myself," he says, shaking his head.  
"I was so worried about you," she says, reaching out to touch his cheek. "When Arthur came to find you..." she sighs," and then couldn't. He was so sure you'd be in Ealdor."  
"Arthur?" Merlin replies. His head is feeling a little foggy.  
"Yes," she looks at him. "Sorry, is that informal, I know he's the King but after having him sitting at my dinner table it all seems a bit formal." She smiles at him.  
"When was he at your dinner table?"  
She frowns.  
"When he came to Ealdor to find you."  
"Arthur came?... Not Gwaine?"  
Hunith stares at him.  
"Who's Gwaine?" 

Jesus, how many lies to Arthur tell him?

"Um, no one, a knight, you'll meet him. But Arthur, he came? Came to Ealdor?"  
"Yes, of course he was beside himself when he found out you weren't there. Kept telling me he'd find you, just over and over again. He didn't speak much but he sent me letters every four days after he left, letting me know how the search was going, he's really very sweet."  
No one had ever called the King of Camelot "really very sweet" before, Merlin was sure of it.  
Hunith was smiling at Merlin again.  
"Didn't tell you any of that, did he?"  
Merlin shook his head.  
"I'm not surprised," she says softly, reaching out to Merlin's hand and squeezing it. "I should turn it, it's a big day tomorrow."  
Merlin shows her to the chambers Arthur had made up and she says once again how "sweet" Arthur is, gives Merlin a kiss on the cheek and retires.

Merlin doesn't sleep well. He stares at the ceiling for a long time.  
Several things keep him awake.

1\. Tomorrow he will be anointed Court Sorcerer, he must be vigilant and keep Camelot safe at all costs. He can not fail again.

2\. Arthur lied to him. Arthur was sorry he'd been banished but then he lied to him. He wanted him back but he also couldn't trust him? Merlin's head span, he couldn't get a grip on Arthur's thoughts at all. What if Arthur truly didn't want him back? What if it was guilt or worse, obligation? But why lie about those things? Merlin's head span again.

3\. His bed was uncomfortable, no where near as comfortable as someone else's sheets... 

4\. But more comfortable than his bunk, which made him think about being banished. The terrible undying thought that Arthur would have died without him which reminded him to be vigilant again.

5\. Arthur. Just Arthur.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ft. A short-lived Banquet.

The banquet is set to be an illustrious affair. There are people running around all day organising the thing and apparently Hunith and Merlin had been ordered to go down to the lower town and enjoy their time together.  
In other words, do absolutely nothing to help set up, which makes Merlin feel uncomfortable. This is all for him. Just him. And well, that made him feel a bit better about his doubts of Arthur's feelings, because Arthur didn't have to go to such extreme lengths.   
People keep arriving all day, it looks like Arthur had ordered for entertainment as well as outside catering and supplies of wine. 

After a day of mooching around with his mother, something he'd not really ever done, Gwen arrives at his room with clothes.  
"Arthur sent me to bring these to you," she says softly.  
"What's wrong with this?" He says gesturing to what he's got on.  
"Apparently you need something 'official', he had me make them especially," she says in a persuasive tone.   
He missed Gwen, she was always so kind hearted.  
"Okay."

The clothes are nice, Merlin can't help but think. The material is gentle and doesn't scratch his skin and it fits properly and smells just like linen and nothing else.   
And Gwen does that really lovely thing where she gasps and tells him how handsome he looks when he comes out to show her.   
"Are you sure?"   
"Yes, Merlin, of course I'm sure," she says, turning him around to get the full view. "Arthur's going to love them."  
"Arthur?"  
"Oh well, you know, and everyone of course, I just said that because he was the king- i mean he was the one who ordered the clothes, but everyone will!"   
"I missed you, Gwen."  
"I missed you too, Merlin," she says and she hugs him.   
"And thanks, for the clothes I mean."

It starts at 7pm, with an official anointing, where Merlin has to kneel down in front of everyone whilst Arthur appoints him like he would do for a knight.  
There's a document that's signed and that's it. Merlin: Official Court Sorcerer of Camelot. How simple and quick, he barely has time to register it.

Now, to move on to some celebrations.

They move into the large dining hall and there's entertainment. Jugglers, and knife throwing and dancing. Merlin is sat at the top table, next to Arthur, he can't help but think, like his Queen should be.  
Gaius sits up there too and Hunith and the knights. Gwaine gets obnoxiously drunk quickly and all the knights seem to be in high spirits. Arthur pays them no mind, mostly talking quietly to Hunith, which Merlin deems as slightly suspicious. But every now and then he'll whisper something to Merlin or just smile at him and it all feels wonderful. 

He should have known something would go wrong. 

Merlin is alert tonight, yes he's nursing a wine and enjoying himself but he won't let his guard down despite the warm looks Arthur distracts him with.

Just like before, it all happens so fast. 

It's in the middle of the second round of entertainers when someone slides round the back of where they're sat. Merlin notices them immediately but Arthur does not, he's joking across the table with Leon, wine exchanging hands.

He sees the glint of the blade and whirls round faster than he thought imaginable, throwing his chair out the way and throwing Arthur out of the way before Arthur's even turned his cheek.   
The problem is, the thing he misunderstood is that the assailant wasn't aiming for Arthur, if he had been, he would have struck the air where Merlin had pushed him. 

But instead, he feels the sharp fire and ice of pain spilling into his side and comes face to face with a man of non-descript features and expression full of anger. 

"Magic is evil and must be eradicated. I do this for the love of Camelot," and he lifts his knife again. Now Merlin is able to stop him, in pain and blood tipping over his fingers but able to conjure magic to smite the man down all the same. He can hear Arthur gasping beside him and wonders if the brute of his magic shocks him. 

However, it's all over in seconds because once the man appears to be either dead or unconscious on the floor, he falls himself head over feet in darkness, hearing Arthur calling his name echo away.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ft. a long overdue explanation

Merlin's mouth is dry. His head throbs. His vision is blurry. But he's alive.

He comes round, Gaius' chambers coming slowly into focus. There's someone's hand upon his head and then it's gone.

"See, I told you, Sire," Gaius' voice is soft and reassuring. "I told you he'd be fine."

Merlin thinks he can hear Arthur grunt an affirmation in the background.

"What happened?" Merlin says, well croaks. 

"You were stabbed, in your side, Merlin," Gaius says calmly.

Stabbed? Oh yeah, of course. That searing pain in his side. The banquet. The man. 

"I survived?" Merlin asks even though it's a stupid question. But he was stabbed and survived and doesn't even feel that bad?

"Well, with magic no longer being outlawed, my healing powers are faster, stronger," Gaius says hesitantly, looking behind him towards the door and realises Arthur is standing there, just out of sight. 

"I would like to speak to Merlin," Arthur demands to Gaius. He sounds abrupt, angry, Merlin can't work out why. 

"Now is not the time, Sire, he needs rest."

"Very well. Send him to me when he is recovered." And then the banging of the chamber door. Arthur's gone.

Merlin feels suddenly guilty, did he do something wrong? Perhaps he was supposed to die.

"You think he'd be more pleased with me, I did just try and save his royal arse," Merlin remarks to Gaius, hoping for a laugh. But as it was, as was everyone these days, Gaius remained serious.

"I think you gave the King a scare," Gaius says slowly, sounding like he was carefully picking out his words. 

"A scare?" Since when did Arthur get scared?

"Better get some rest, Merlin," Gaius says instead. People were getting very good at avoiding Merlin's questions but he just sighs and rests back onto the pillow. He truly is very tired. 

***

Merlin doesn't wake again until the next evening, around 5pm. Apparently his mother had been in to check on him several times throughout the day but Merlin had been asleep. Gaius had reassured her that he was fine, it just took time and rest to heal properly.

"Perhaps, you'd better go to Arthur," Gaius suggests, a little sooner than Merlin had expected. But he nods and goes because he feels like he's wronged Arthur in some way and wants to make it better. He can't stand the idea of Arthur being upset with him and not even knowing why.

Though, on his way, there come those nerves again. What if it all had been staged by Arthur in an attempt to get rid of him? It's a terrible thought but Merlin can't help but wondering.

He walks there quickly despite it and despite the dull ache still in his side. 

He knocks on the door and hears Arthur call "enter" from inside. He enters, trying not to hesitate. 

Arthur's at his desk, staring at nothing in particular. 

"Merlin!" He exclaims. Why does he always sound so surprised to see him? 

"You asked for me?"

"Jesus," he says, if that makes sense and walks round the table and grabs Merlin by the arm, piercing him with this strange look of fear. Then suddenly it's replaced with anger. "What the hell did you think you were doing?"

"Sorry?"

"Your Court Sorcerer of Camelot now, Merlin. You are supposed to be more careful. It was completely irresponsible of you!"

"Saving your life was irresponsible?"

"He wasn't after me! He was after you!"

"Well, yes I realise that now."

"Why didn't you call attention to him?"

"I didn't have time."

"Merlin, you could have died!" 

"Yes, but I didn't."

Arthur is breathing fast and none of the anger seems to have dissipated, he just stares at Merlin with the same outraged expression.

"Making you Court Sorcerer was a mistake," he says eventually and Merlin's whole body feels like it deflates.

"A mistake?" 

"Yes."

"Are you going to rebuke the title?"

Arthur stares hard at him.

"Maybe I should."

Merlin wants to cry. He'd tried his best, been vigilant, stopped an attack on Arthur (or so he thought). But it was all in vain, Arthur never really wanted him as Court Sorcerer, doesn't want him...

He takes a deep breath. 

"I can do better," he says. "I can do better. I can protect Camelot."

"I'm not worried about Camelot," Arthur snaps.

"... You. I can protect you."

"Fuck, Merlin," Arthur suddenly shouts and grabs Merlin by the shoulders and it seems like the strangest thing because it happens so quickly that Merlin isn't sure if it happens at all. 

He'd pictured this moment a million times and it'd never gone like this and it had never been so out of the blue, out of context, but Arthur kisses him. Just once and very hard and very fast like he didn't meant to do it at all.

Arthur pulls back and immediately looks pale and shocked. 

Merlin stares at him. There's something he doesn't understand at all happening right now.

Arthur retreats and sits down on his bed. He puts his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry, Merlin, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that, I really didn't," Arthur mumbles through his fingers. 

Merlin is still standing where he left him, feeling unable to move at all, barely even think. 

"I need to- I need to explain," Arthur says and he glances up at Merlin. Merlin still stands statue. "I don't even know where to begin... Look, just sit down, would you?" Arthur gestures to the chair near his desk, opposite to where is sitting on the bed. 

"Okay," Merlin finally manages and he goes and sits. 

"Okay, okay," Arthur says to the bed covers, "this might be a long story, bare with me." 

Merlin nods.

"I'm just gonna, you know, jump straight in..."

"Arthur," Merlin says, prompting him.

"I think I'd always known about the magic, I mean not definitely but I knew there was something you were hiding. So when it was all revealed it was like this very obvious thing I should have seen before and had seen before a million times but hadn't noticed, like an old chair that is always there but never used, background furniture. What I mean to say, is that I wasn't angry, Merlin, not really. I wished you'd told me but Leon sort of convinced me I shouldn't have been so selfish to have expected you to tell me," Arthur laughs a little to himself.

"Anyway, I begged father not to execute you. But he was adamant. I put up a fight and he put me in the cells. He left me there, Merlin, all night and the next day. I found out afterwards it was because he didn't want me to stop you or run away with you in banishment. But I thought you were being executed. I thought that I was in the cells and you were outside there on the pyre, dying and there was nothing I could do about it."

Shivers go up Merlin's spine. He'd had no idea.

"I thought you were dead. All my hope was gone. Eventually, what felt like weeks and weeks later, Leon came down to tell me what had really transpired. I was so relived. Yes, you were banished but you were alive.

"That relief didn't last long, months slowly crept by and all the while, I was alone, wondering about you, were you alive, were you okay? I never gave up hope though. Do you remember the letter you left me?"

Merlin nods.

"You remember what is said?"

Merlin nods again. 

'You are going to be the greatest King, Camelot has ever seen, with or without me.   
I hope one day you can forgive me.  
Yours loyally, Merlin'

"I read that and I saw everything you'd done for Camelot, for me. You truly are the definition of selflessness, aren't you?" Arthur says, with a humorous tone that makes Merlin's heart ache for more of it.

"I thought I have to get Merlin back, no matter the consequence. I begged my father over and over but he wouldn't hear of it. And then he passed. I can't say I was shattered by the news. There was the grief of losing my father, of course, but the possibility to find you also. 

"I took to Ealdor after a week of mourning. I was sure that's where you would go, where else would you go?" Arthur sighs. 

"And then you weren't there. I felt sure you were dead again, my hope was broken once again. The words from your letter, 'without me' kept going over and over in my head. I sent word to Lancelot and Gwaine, asking if they'd seen you, asking for their help in finding you. I knew they would come. I knew I could rely upon them.

"It was a merciless few weeks. I searched thoroughly, stationed Leon in Ealdor, pressed Gaius, Gwen, Gwaine, Lancelot, everyone you knew, anyone who might know where you could be. Then you know the rest... 

"You don't understand what it was like when I saw you. Finally saw you. Alive. But almost not. With that bandits knife against your neck, begging for death."

Merlin flinches, appalled at his own past behaviour. 

"Could it be that I searched all that time for you, only to be witness to your death after all? I thought it truly karma.

"But it was not so. I came just in time. And once again, and finally, you were safe. Though, I'd broken you. My inability to save you from my father's wrath had left you a shell of who you once were, skinny and small and quiet, yet still resolutely and undeniably you. I was sure you'd hate me. I didn't want to give you any option not to come back to Camelot with me, I was so selfish but I truly thought you wouldn't come and I needed you to. I needed you," Arthur scrubs his hands through his hair at the confession. Merlin's heart squeezes.

"And then I have you back, you're here, in Camelot," Arthur looks at him, "and then this happens.

"I don't- I can't lose you again, Merlin, you have to understand. I can not take it. As Court Sorcerer, you are a target, you'll have enemies. And I can't - I can't risk your life. 

"You must understand, I thought you were going to die again, Merlin. It made me a little crazy. I didn't mean to kiss you like that, it was - I shouldn't have - I just - I thought you were going to die."

Merlin stares at Arthur. He's shaking a little and his eyes are so full of utter grief. Merlin wants to tell him that the kiss was fine. He wants to tell him that he can't believe Arthur did all that for him, that he was so worried about losing him, he wants to tell him he loves him. But he doesn't do any of these things. 

He gets up from his chair and pulls Arthur up and into a hug. Arthur quickly melts into it and hugs back tightly, fiercely and begins to shake with a sob.


End file.
